Shoot Straight You Bastards!

BEG FOR MERCY

2011-08-31T21:18:00.001-05:00

Emperor Zod's Draft Review

It ain't easy being a megolomaniacal Kryptonian general. I should know. I spent ages imprisoned in the Phantom Zone, a harsh sentence issued by my former friend, Jor-El. Upon escaping and discovering Krypton had been reduced to interstellar rubble, only one avenue of vengeance remained to me.

Along with my former cellmates, Ursa and Non, I set course for Earth, the new home of the last son of Krypton. Kal-El, better known to you tiny ants as Superman, was my target. His blood had to be spilled to satisfy my desire for revenge. Sadly, my infinite greatness faltered, and with underhanded cowardly trickery, my henchmen and I were bested.

And now, years later, a further indignity has been visited upon me. Last week, I drew the final pick in a sixteen team PPR snake draft. As an evil mastermind, however, such a minor disadvantage could not be allowed to stop my plans to burn my enemies with lasers from my eyes, restore my dominance, and ultimately complete my ascendance from General to Emperor.

This is how a deity drafts. I present to you: The Art Of (Draft) War.

A casual perusal of our scoring system reveals a few interesting facts. Let's review them before we begin.

1. Quarterback touchdowns score 6 points, with bonuses for deep bombs, and a substantial 5 point bonus upon reaching 300 accumulated passing yards. Combine the high QB scoring with the scarcity caused by 16 teams requiring one, and I expect to see an early QB run. They are at a premium.

2. The running backs and wide receivers also have bonuses for long scoring plays, but when one factors in the point per reception, the wide receivers are weighted slightly more heavily. I expect those who have read the rules to opt for a wide receiver when all else is equal.

3. I've read numerous articles on myriad fantasy websites about the perils of drafting on past performance. Often these articles cheerfully display the percentage of QBs, WRs, and RBs who repeat as top 10 players at their positions from year to year. Inevitably, the conclusions show that QBs have somewhere around a 70% repeat rate, WRs 50%, and RBs 35%. These figures are approximate and drawn from memory, and may not be exactly accurate, (hatred for Superman clouds my recollections) but the point stands that the safest way to guarantee production from early picks is to err towards QBs and WRs.

In this league, all things considered, doing so is obvious. The question becomes, are my league mates paying attention?

Under the looming threat of a glorious hurricane, the draft began.

Round 1
10 of the first 16 picks are running backs. This bodes well for the mighty Zod. The only quarterbacks selected among the first 15 are Aaron Rodgers at 5, Tom Brady at 11, and Michael Vick at 12. The top remaining options are Brees and Rivers. Emperor Zod, with the final pick of round one, gleefully selects Drew Brees. (16)

Round 2
The board is mine. With my quarterback slot filled, it is time to own a top end receiver. The finest available are Larry Fitzgerald, Vincent Jackson, Greg Jennings, Hakeem Nicks, and Mike Wallace. None will make it back through the next thirty picks. Zod chooses Larry Fitzgerald. Zod chooses... wisely. (17)

I notably passed over Philip Rivers and Vincent Jackson. This was not premeditated, nor was it related to any negative outlook I have on the Chargers' offense this year. I expect greatness from both. I just felt the other two options were a slight notch above.

Round 3 and 4
My third pick is the 48th overall. My leaguemates have eschewed the wisdom of safer surefires, ignored the intricacies of our scoring system, and have proceeded to deplete running backs to a staggering degree. If I do not choose one now, the field will be utterly barren upon my next two picks. However, I cannot bring myself to take, with my 3rd and 4th picks, the likes of DeAngelo Williams, Beanie Wells, Mark Ingram, Fred Jackson, or Tim Hightower. Not when the value at WR and TE are still so supple and strong. Last year I struck gold with late round selections of Peyton Hillis and Arian Foster. I will attempt to do the same here, and use that top 10 RB high turnover rate to my advantage.

Emperor Zod selects Mike Williams (48) and Jason Witten. (49)

After four rounds I appear as such:

QB: Drew Brees
RB:
RB:
WR: Larry Fitzgerald
WR: Mike Williams
TE: Jason Witten
RB/WR:

Round 5/6
It is now time for picks 80 and 81. I was sad to miss Marshawn Lynch by two picks. All that remains at RB are goal line TD vultures, handcuff backups, and various other gambler's options. Being an extended draft, training camp has not progressed to the point where these facts are widely known: Reggie Bush will start in Miami, Brandon Jacobs is outshining Ahmad Bradshaw, and Ryan Grant may not be the starter. As a result, I didn't know it may be wise to take a chance on James Starks. I knew Daniel Thomas has been iffy, but was still considered the starer. I first fill my flex spot with Danny Amendola (60) and then deign to finally grab a running back, Daniel Thomas. (61) In retrospect: It's only a matter of time until Reggie Bush goes down with injury, right?

Rounds 7-12
Here I began raking up lottery ticket RBs. Aside from an auxillary WR in round 9, Antonio Brown (144), I netted the following: Jonathan Stewart (112), Michael Bush (113), Bernard Scott (145), Isaac Redman (176), Montario Hardesty (177).

Will J-Stew gets his 35% of Carolina's carries? Wil DeAngelo stay healthy? I know Stew is talented. Same situation for Michael Bush, almost exactly. At the time, Cedric Benson looked likely to go to jail and/or face a suspension, hence the Bernard Scott pick. There's a deep and rich history of Super Bowl running backs breaking down in the subsequent year, and this year that is Mendenhall, hence my choice of Isaac Redman. Finally, Hardesty, because well, why not?

Round 13/14
The backup quarterbacks were almost gone. I grudgingly decided I want one for Drew's bye week, and took Jason Campbell. (209) I wanted a sleeper TE to use as a trading chip, and to fill the bye week, so I took Lance Kendricks as well. (208) His bye week, it turns out, is the same as Witten's. This is what I get for drafting a backup tight end.

Emperor Zod will not discuss his kicker and defense. Such talk is below Emperor Zod.

Despite the glaring weakness at running back, which I believe can be overcome in-season via aggressive roster management, I believe I have a better than average shot to win this from the bottom of the draft pile.

I am coming to your planet. I will rule without mercy.

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!

Rules Welcome Page

2011-08-08T16:40:00.002-05:00

The Wildcat Offense League

League Summary:
Welcome to the Wildcat Offense league. In addition to including a ridiculously
large active roster, the bench will be very short, keeping the waiver wire stocked and forcing difficult bye week decisions on all of us.

Here's the crazy twist: At the end of each week, the highest and lowest scoring teams for the week will have the opportunity to change the league wide scoring for a single category by +1 or -1.

There will be twelve teams, and the entry fee will be $50.

No roster position limits. Open trading, no league vote.

League will start with 4 per passing TD, 6 per rushing/receiving TD, 1 point per reception, and standard yardage scoring. All scoring will be set individually by position, so the high/low scorers will have the option of adding/subtracting a scoring point for ONE POSITION ONLY.

That person could, for instance, add a point per reception for tight ends, or maybe subtract 1 point from touchdowns for running backs. No negative scoring would be allowed, so the scoring basement for any category would be zero. No ceilings.

Cumulative yardage scoring will be set in stone, and not eligible for the weekly scoring changes. However, the yardage bonuses will be eligible in the +/- categories. One could add a point to the QB 300 yard passing bonus, or subtract a point from the WR 100 yd receiving bonus. The scoring basement of 0 still applies for these categories, too.

For negative scoring categories, like missed field goal, or fumble lost, the negative scoring can be adjusted, but with a ceiling of zero.

The only category without a zero ceiling/basement is Passer Sacked. If your QB has a poor o-line and gets sacked a lot, it can be a positive score. If your QB doesn't get sacked, and you want there to be a penalty, it can be negative.

The bench will be very short with only four slots. With twelve teams and so many active players, I don't want the waiver wire to be completely barren. With bye weeks, teams will sometimes have to drop good players or field players who have the week off. Tough decisions will have to
be made. I like this.

Entry fee is $50 (x12=$600)
1st place wins $300,
2nd place wins $140
CBS Membership: $160

Keeper options: None, redraft every year.

Waiver Wire:

All free agent players will be on waivers from Sunday @ 12pm until waivers clear @ 1am Wednesday. Between then and the following Sunday, the free agent pool is open (all applicable players are off waivers) and players may be added at any time.

Rosters have 10 active, 4 reserve, 2 injury reserve. No position limits.

Starting Lineup

QB
RB
RB
WR
WR
TE
FLEX - QB/RB/WR/TE
FLEX - RB/WR/TE
K
DST

Draft: Snake style draft, random order, online.
Trades: Instant approval, but subject to commissioner review if necessary.

Playoffs:

Playoff teams will be determined by record of wins and losses. There will be three divisions with one division champion in each, plus Three wild card teams for a total of six teams making the playoffs. Seeding order will be determined by record. (Winning Percentage)

In the event of a tie the following tiebreakers will be used.

For Division Champion:
1. Division Record
2. Head to Head Record
3. Points Scored
4. Points Against
5. Coin Toss

For Wildcard:
1. Head to Head Record
2. Points Scored
3. Points Against
4. Coin Toss

Seeding For Losers Tournament - The Toilet Bowl

1. Worst Record
2. Points Against (most seeds higher)

Seeding will be division winners as 1-3, wild card as 4-6, using the tiebreakers above to determine ranking.

Wildcards may come from any divisions including all from one division. Teams with the higher seeding will be awarded home-field advantage for each playoff match-up. Each playoff match-up will run from Tuesday-Monday.

In the event of a tie in a playoff match-up, the team with more points from its reserve (a.k.a. "bench") players will get the victory. If there is still a tie, the team with the home-field advantage gets the victory.

Playoff brackets will be as follows:

Rd. 1:
#3 vs. #6 (Loser eliminated)
#4 vs. #5 (Loser eliminated)

Rd. 2
#1 vs. Lowest seed (Loser eliminated)
#2 vs. Remaining team (Loser eliminated)

Rd. 3
Winners Rd 2

In the round three winner’s bracket, that winner will take the 1st place prize of $300, and the loser will take the 2nd place prize of $140.

For teams that do not qualify for the playoffs, a loser's tournament will be held, with seeding set by worst record as highest seed, tiebreakers by points against. This tournament will determine draft picks 1-6 the next year. Picks 7-12 will be reverse order of the winner's tournament's seeding, not final results.

ADD/DROPS:

Throughout the season, an owner may want to improve their roster by adding free agent players and releasing players that aren't performing to their expectations. With three exceptions, there are no limits to the number of Add/Drops an owner can perform, and there are not any transaction fees.

1. The first exception is when an owner drops his entire team or a significant number of players, also known as "team dropping". Team dropping has a negative impact on the league and as such, any owner who elects to drop his team could be subject to immediate removal from the league, subject to the vote of the other owners. Players selected from waivers or added from free agency that were part of a team drop may be reversed. In such move reversals, the waiver ranks will not be reset, and changes will go into effect for the week in question.

2. The second exception is abuse of the waiver process. This is when a team owner adds then drops a series of players, putting those players on waivers and making them inaccessible to other team owners. Such an action could result in forfeiture of points as well as that team owner being blocked from making any additional add/drops for the remainder of the season.

3. The third exception is dropping of stud players. This league will not provide a specific list of players that cannot be dropped. However, teams dropping stud players may have a negative impact on the league if it is done to allow another team to gain advantage because of waiver order. Also known as “passing players” dropping of stud players will be reviewed on a case by case basis, and should an impropriety be suspected, a league vote will determine if the drop was reasonable or not. If the league determines the dropped player should NOT have been dropped the transaction involved will be reversed and the owner in question will be subject to league vote.

If any of these situations occur, please contact the league commissioner as soon as possible.

DISABLED LIST:

Two spots. Only players tagged by CBS as IR/DL will be movable to the injury spots.

WAIVERS:
In order to provide an equal opportunity for all owners to add players that are NEW TO THE FREE AGENT POOL, a waivers process is used. Owners' requests to add players on waivers are not executed immediately, but are put in a pending status for at least 24 hours. This allows multiple teams to request the same players. Every night between 12:00am ad 6:00am ET a waivers process will be run, executing the pending requests in “Waiver Rank” order. All transactions during the waiver process are effective for the next scoring period.

The team with a waiver rank of 1, considered the highest, will get its first requested player from waivers. After the transaction is executed, the team's waiver rank is then set to 12 (last), and all other teams move up one. The initial waiver rank of the season is based on the reverse order of the draft. The team that selected last in the first round of the draft will have a waiver rank of 1.

If a team's highest pending transaction becomes invalid because another team received the requested player, the transaction gets deleted and the team's next transaction, if one exists, becomes that team's highest. If a team doesn't have any pending transactions, or all players requested were taken by other teams, or the owner simply didn't request any players, there isn't any penalty and the team's waiver rank will not be changed.

Players who have cleared the waivers process are available for immediate adding between between Wednesday at 1 AM and Sunday at Noon. After lineups lock on Sunday, ALL FREE AGENTS ARE BACK ON WAIVERS UNTIL Wednesday at 1am. When Thursday Night Football begins, players from those teams will go on waivers early.

TRADES:
Trade approve instantly. If multiple complaints are raised, the commissioner will review and decide whether to overturn. Commissioner rulings are final.

FG - Field Goals 3 points
Plus 2 points for a FG of 50+ Yds
FG50 - Field Goals 50+ Yards Made 2 points
FL - Fumble Lost, Including ST plays -2 points
IKRTD - Individual Kick Return TD 6 points
IKRYd - Individual Kick Return Yards 0+ IKRYds = 1 point for every 10 IKRYds
IPRTD - Individual Punt Return TD 6 points
IPRYd - Individual Punt Return Yards 0+ IPRYds = 1 point for every 10 IPRYds
MFG - Missed Field Goal -1 point
Plus -2 points for a MFG of 0 to 49 Yds
MXP - Missed Extra Point -1 point
Pa2P - Passing Two-point Conversion 2 points
Pa40 - Pass Completion 40+ Yards 1 point
PaInt - Passing Interception -1 point
PaTD - Passing TD 4 points
PaYd - Passing Yards 0+ PaYds = 1 point for every 25 PaYds
Plus a 2 point bonus @ 300+ PaYd
Re2P - Receiving Two-point Conversion 2 points
Re40 - Reception of 40+ Yards 1 point
ReTD - Receiving TD 6 points
ReYd - Receiving Yards 0+ ReYds = 1 point for every 10 ReYds
Plus a 2 point bonus @ 100+ ReYd
Recpt - Reception 1 point
Ru20 - Rush for 20+ Yards 1 point
Ru2P - Rushing Two-point Conversion 2 points
RuTD - Rushing TD 6 points
RuYd - Rushing Yards 0+ RuYds = 1 point for every 10 RuYds
Plus a 2 point bonus @ 100+ RuYd
Sacked - Times Sacked Passer 0 points
XP - Extra Points 1 point
Scoring for Defensive Categories Setting
BFB - Blocked Field Goals (ID/ST/DST) 3 points
BP - Blocked Punts (ID/ST/DST) 2 points
BXP - Blocked Extra Points (ID/ST/DST) 2 points
DFR - Defensive/ST Fumble Recovered (ID/DT/DST) 2 points
DTD - Total Defensive and Special Teams TD 6 points
Int - Interceptions 2 points
PA - Points Against, Total Points Scored 0 - 6 PA = 8 points
7 - 13 PA = 6 points
14 - 20 PA = 4 points
21 - 27 PA = 2 points
SACK - Sack 1 point
STY - Safety 2 points
YDS - Yards Allowed 0 - 49 YDSs = 12 points
50 - 99 YDSs = 10 points
100 - 149 YDSs = 8 points
150 - 199 YDSs = 6 points
200 - 249 YDSs = 4 points
250 - 299 YDSs = 2 points

Double Flex IDP PPR Keeper Option League

NOTE: DRAFT ORDER based upon previous year's finish.

2011 Notes: Individual kick/punt yardage and TD scoring added. WR/TE changed to RB/WR/TE.

Double Flex IDP PPR Keeper Option League

League Summary:

The 12 teams in this league each start 8 offensive and 7 defensive players, with 1 flex spot on each side of the ball. The regular season is 13 weeks. Each team will play 3 matchups each week, for a total of 39 matchups per team during the regular season. Playoffs are standard, with 3 division winners, 3 wild cards, top 2 seeds on bye in week 14, and run from weeks 14-16. Ties in the standings are resolved by division record, then head to head, then total points. The 6 eliminated teams will play a bottom bracket playoff tournament for draft seeding the following season.

Entry fee is $50 (x12=$600)
1st place wins $300,
2nd place wins $140
CBS Membership: $160

Keeper options: (to begin 2nd season, obviously)

Each team may keep 2 players: 1 offense, and 1 defense. The offense keeper replaces the 2nd round draft pick. Defense replaces the 8th round draft pick. Keeper players must be released into the draft pool after playing 2 years for a team. (This includes the original drafted year played, so essentially, a player can only be kept for a second year on your roster.)

Waiver Wire:

All free agent players will be on waivers from Sunday @ 12pm until waivers clear @ 1am Wednesday. Between then and the following Sunday, the free agent pool is open (all applicable players are off waivers) and players may be added at any time.

Scoring is CBS/NFL standard, plus 1 point per reception, w/ Individual Defense Player Scoring, and therefore, no DST/ST.

Rosters have 15 active, 8 reserve, 2 injured reserve.

Roster Limits: Max 2 QB, 4 RB, 3 TE

As a PPR league, we start a total of four receivers each week: 2 wideouts, 1 tight end, and a flex wideout/tight end.

Starting Lineup

QB
RB
RB
WR
WR
TE
FLEX - RB/WR/TE (Changed for 2011)
K
DL
DL
LB
LB
DB
DB
FLEX – DL/LB/DB

Draft: Snake style draft, random order, online.
Trades: Subject to 24 hour vote, 5 vetoes. (50% of the other 10 teams)

Playoffs:
:
Playoff teams will be determined by record of wins and losses. There will be three divisions with one division champion in each, plus Three wild card teams for a total of six teams making the playoffs. Seeding order will be determined by record. (Winning Percentage)

In the event of a tie the following tiebreakers will be used.

For Division Champion:
1. Division Record
2. Head to Head Record
3. Points Scored
4. Points Against
5. Coin Toss

For Wildcard:

1. Head to Head Record
2. Points Scored
3. Points Against
4. Coin Toss

Seeding For Losers Tournament - The Toilet Bowl

1. Worst Record
2. Points Against (most)

Seeding will be division winners as 1-3, wild card as 4-6, using the tiebreakers above to determine ranking.

Wildcards may come from any divisions including all from one division. Teams with the higher seeding will be awarded home-field advantage for each playoff match-up. Each playoff match-up will run from Tuesday-Monday.

In the event of a tie in a playoff match-up, the team with more points from its reserve (a.k.a. "bench") players will get the victory. If there is still a tie, the team with the home-field advantage gets the victory.

Playoff brackets will be as follows:

Rd. 1:
#3 vs. #6 (Loser eliminated)
#4 vs. #5 (Loser eliminated)

Rd. 2
#1 vs. Lowest seed (Loser eliminated)
#2 vs. Remaining team (Loser eliminated)

Rd. 3
Winners Rd 2

In the round three winner’s bracket, that winner will take the 1st place prize of $300, and the loser will take the 2nd place prize of $140.

For teams that do not qualify for the playoffs, a loser's tournament will be held, with seeding set by worst record as highest seed, tiebreakers by points against. This tournament will determine draft picks 1-6 the next year. Picks 7-12 will be reverse order of the winner's tournament's seeding, not final results.

ADD/DROPS:

Throughout the season, an owner may want to improve their roster by adding free agent players and releasing players that aren't performing to their expectations. With three exceptions, there are no limits to the number of Add/Drops an owner can perform, and there are not any transaction fees.

1. The first exception is when an owner drops his entire team or a significant number of players, also known as "team dropping". Team dropping has a negative impact on the league and as such, any owner who elects to drop his team could be subject to immediate removal from the league, subject to the vote of the other owners. Players selected from waivers or added from free agency that were part of a team drop may be reversed. In such move reversals, the waiver ranks will not be reset, and changes will go into effect for the week in question.

2. The second exception is abuse of the waiver process. This is when a team owner adds then drops a series of players, putting those players on waivers and making them inaccessible to other team owners. Such an action could result in forfeiture of points as well as that team owner being blocked from making any additional add/drops for the remainder of the season.

3. The third exception is dropping of stud players. This league will not provide a specific list of players that cannot be dropped. However, teams dropping stud players may have a negative impact on the league if it is done to allow another team to gain advantage because of waiver order. Also known as “passing players” dropping of stud players will be reviewed on a case by case basis, and should an impropriety be suspected, a league vote will determine if the drop was reasonable or not. If the league determines the dropped player should NOT have been dropped the transaction involved will be reversed and the owner in question will be subject to league vote.

If any of these situations occur, please contact the league commissioner as soon as possible.

DISABLED LIST:

Two spots. Only players tagged by CBS as IR/DL will be movable to the injury spots. These players do not count against the position limits for QB, RB, and TE.

WAIVERS:
In order to provide an equal opportunity for all owners to add players that are NEW TO THE FREE AGENT POOL, a waivers process is used. Owners' requests to add players on waivers are not executed immediately, but are put in a pending status for at least 24 hours. This allows multiple teams to request the same players. Every night between 12:00am ad 6:00am ET a waivers process will be run, executing the pending requests in “Waiver Rank” order. All transactions during the waiver process are effective for the next scoring period.

The team with a waiver rank of 1, considered the highest, will get its first requested player from waivers. After the transaction is executed, the team's waiver rank is then set to 12 (last), and all other teams move up one. The initial waiver rank of the season is based on the reverse order of the draft. The team that selected last in the first round of the draft will have a waiver rank of 1.

If a team's highest pending transaction becomes invalid because another team received the requested player, the transaction gets deleted and the team's next transaction, if one exists, becomes that team's highest. If a team doesn't have any pending transactions, or all players requested were taken by other teams, or the owner simply didn't request any players, there isn't any penalty and the team's waiver rank will not be changed.

Players who have cleared the waivers process are available for immediate adding between between Wednesday at 1 AM and Sunday at Noon. After lineups lock on Sunday, ALL FREE AGENTS ARE BACK ON WAIVERS UNTIL Wednesday at 1am. When Thursday Night Football begins, players from those teams will go on waivers early.

TRADES:
Trade approvals in this league are very simple. If half the league thinks it is a trade that gives one team an unfair advantage over the rest of the league it gets voted down. Otherwise, it goes through. That being said, a vote of 5 vetoes will be required to kill a deal in a league with 12 owners. (50% of other 10 teams) As a result, most trades tend to go through unlike most public leagues. (that means 4 objections are allowed) The voting will end after a 24 hour window, which begins at the first midnight after the trade is accepted.

FG - Field Goals 3 points
FG50 - Field Goals 50+ Yards Made 2 points
FL - Fumble Lost, Including ST plays -1 point
IFRTD - Individual Fumble Recovery TD 1 point
IKRTD - Individual Kick Return TD 6 points
IKRYd - Individual Kick Return Yards 1+ IKRYd = 1 point for every 10 IKRYds
IPRTD - Individual Punt Return TD 6 points
IPRYd - Individual Punt Return Yards 1+ IPRYd = 1 point for every 10 IPRYds
MFG - Missed Field Goal -1 point
Plus -2 points for a MFG of 1 to 35 Yds
MXP - Missed Extra Point -1 point
OFR - Offensive Fumble Recovered 1 point
Pa2P - Passing Two-point Conversion 2 points
PaInt - Passing Interception -1 point
PaTD - Passing TD 4 points
PaYd - Passing Yards 0 - 300 PaYds = 1 point for every 25 PaYds
301+ PaYds = 1.5 points for every 25 PaYds
Plus a 3 point bonus @ 300+ PaYd
Re2P - Receiving Two-point Conversion 2 points
Re40 - Reception of 40+ Yards 2 points
ReTD - Receiving TD 6 points
Plus 1 point for a ReTD of 60+ Yds
ReYd - Receiving Yards 0 - 100 ReYds = 1 point for every 10 ReYds
101+ ReYds = 1.5 points for every 10 ReYds
Plus a 3 point bonus @ 100+ ReYd
Recpt - Reception 1+ Recpt = 1 point for every 1 Recpt
Plus a 2 point bonus @ 6+ Recpt
Ru2P - Rushing Two-point Conversion 2 points
RuTD - Rushing TD 6 points
RuYd - Rushing Yards 0 - 100 RuYds = 1 point for every 10 RuYds
101+ RuYds = 1.5 points for every 10 RuYds
Plus a 3 point bonus @ 100+ RuYd
XP - Extra Points 1 point
Scoring for Defensive Categories Setting
ATK - Assisted Tackles (ID only) 1+ ATK = .5 points for every 1 ATK
Plus a 2 point bonus @ 6+ ATK
BFB - Blocked Field Goals (ID/ST/DST) 3 points
BP - Blocked Punts (ID/ST/DST) 2 points
BXP - Blocked Extra Points (ID/ST/DST) 1 point
DFR - Defensive/ST Fumble Recovered (ID/DT/DST) 2 points
DFRYd - Defensive/ST Fumble Recovery Yards (ID/DT/DST) 0+ DFRYds = 1 point for every 10 DFRYds
Plus a 1 point bonus @ 40+ DFRYd
Plus a 1 point bonus @ 70+ DFRYd
DFTD - Defensive TD 6 points
Plus 1 point for a DFTD of 40 to 70 Yds
Plus 1 point for a DFTD of 71+ Yds
FF - Forced Fumble 3 points
Int - Interceptions 5 points
IntYd - Interception Yards 0+ IntYds = 1 point for every 10 IntYds
Plus a 1 point bonus @ 50+ IntYd
Plus a 1 point bonus @ 80+ IntYd
KRTD - Kick Return TD (ID/ST/DST) 6 points
KRYd - Kick Return Yards (ID/ST/DST) 1+ KRYd = 1 point for every 10 KRYds
PDef - Pass Defensed (ID only) 2 points
PRTD - Punt Return TD (ID/ST/DST) 6 points
PRYd - Punt Return Yards (ID/ST/DST) 1+ PRYd = 1 point for every 10 PRYds
SACK - Sack 5 points
STY - Safety 2 points
TK - Tackle (ID/DT/DST) 1+ TK = 1 point for every 1 TK
Plus a 3 point bonus @ 8+ TK

Opium Online

2005-12-15T10:55:00.000-06:00

Opium Magazine
Literary Humor For The Deleriously Captivated
(Cover displayed is from the print version)

Opium magazine is different from any other online journal I've ever encountered. Instead of whipping up an issue every month or season, Opium just slaps up a few pieces each week, mainly whenever something tasty plops into the editor's lap. I like this. It draws me back to the website with far greater frequency than the traditionally scheduled journal.

There's a linkbox on the page that displays the five most recent stories or poems. I took a little while this morning to read the current fiction content.

All three stories share two things in common: weirdness and humor. With a name like Opium, I'm not surprised to see the content tends towards the bizarre. Let's take a look.

Day To Day by David Conway

Of all three I read, I liked this the least. I like juvenile goofyness, but nothing this formulaic. I felt like I was reading a fourteen year old's self-satisfied attempt at study hall wit. Simple formula: Take a celebrity, have him behave out of character, narrate the anecdote like a kid's diary entry, repeat three times. I got the feeling very little effort went into this. So you fed bread to birds with a pro wrestler. Not that funny. Sorry. For instance:

Yesterday was the most important day of my life. I skipped stones at a filthy beach with Sandra Bullock for about 13 or 14 hours until she passed out and then me and this local teenager named Skippy buried her in the sand. I miss her sometimes. Then me and Skippy went to Canada and on the way I asked Skippy how we became friends and he said he had no clue who I was and asked if he could get out of the car.

How To Bury A Cat by Ryan Havely

This is one of those rare second person point of view stories. As the title suggests, it's about feline funerals. Although it gets off a couple good one liners, I found it read like a silly joke that'd be better spoken aloud, rant-style, by a coked up teenager. Still, it's short enough that the deliberate foulness doesn't wear out its welcome. A sample:

You are now ready to bury your cat. Be sure to wear boots with good traction, as there will most likely be a hill you'll need to descend to get to the creek. On your way down the hill, you'll most likely encounter a dead raccoon or squirrel. Don't discriminate, pick this animal up and carry it with you, it will keep the mangled cat you never should have let outside in the first place company as it spends eternity rotting in a creek somewhere being eaten by grubs and baby birds. After picking up the raccoon or squirrel--or armadillo if you're an asshole from Texas--be careful to get a good foothold with every downhill step you take.

Fake Fish by Dave Lott

This flash piece is about a guy interested in a whacked out bohemian girl with fake fish. Like the other two I've capsuled, it relies on humor.

So when she called one Monday and asked if I'd feed her fish while she was away at some arts festival the coming weekend, I took it as a step forward. She knew I knew the fish were fake, she knew I'd seen her feeding them turtle eggs as if the fish were real, and she wanted to find out if I was willing to play along. No problem. I was willing. She would leave the keys under the mat.

Of the three stories I read, this is the best. I love the punchline at the end. I don't want to spoil the nice touches that make each line a pleasure to read, so I'll just implore you to go read it. It'll take three minutes of your time. Your life will be enriched by the experience. Go. Now.

There's no place on the web quite like Opium. I bookmarked it months ago. You should too.

Miscarriage

2005-11-14T20:53:00.000-06:00

Word Riot
October 2005 Issue

Fiction: Miscarriage
by Robert Lewis

You wanna know what makes me hard? Senseless gore. I'm talking about heads severed from necks with blood geysers hosing out. I'm talking about entrails dangling from leafless autumn trees, making the squirrels slip and fall. I'm talking about babies run over by lawnmowers.

Now, I'm no sociopathic murderer. Necrophiliac. Anything like that. My enjoyment of horrible things is strictly for blackly comedic amusement. I like my vulgarity to be farcial and giggleworthy, which leads me to Miscarriage by Robert Lewis.

It's not quite funny, you see. Instead of over the top gutscaping, Lewis' story actually uses vile imagery to imbue emotional depth. Hard to believe, I know, but he does it effectively. Would you care for an excerpt?

“Seth? Could you... uh, come in here?” Lisa’s voice sounded far away as it came to me through the cheap, wooden bathroom door. We had come here, to the apartment I shared with my mother, to smoke some dope and come down off the acid we had taken earlier.

I turned the knob, and went in.

The room was awash in blood.

Lisa stood in the corner, a soaked green towel between her legs. Her face, even though she was only in her mid-twenties, looked twice that right now, and whiter than Casper the Friendly Ghost’s. Her bloody fingerprints were all over the faucet and toilet.

“I think I’m having a miscarriage,” she said.

Appetizing, right? And yes, there is some humor in this story. You'll have to read it to find out. I heartily encourage you to click over to wordriot and enjoy yourself. I've been reading stories there for a few months now, and I've enjoyed every one.

El Camino

2005-10-28T20:04:00.000-05:00

Make: A Chicago Literary Magazine
Summer 2005 Issue 1

Fiction: El Camino
by Aaron Michael Morales

First, a confession: I was handed a copy of Make Magazine by the fiction editor. Yes, I went to high school with him. Well, sort of. Summer school. One year. He was an aquaintance. That said, by scout's honor and my grandmother's grave, I promise this review isn't the result of cronyism, favoritism, or sexual favors.

I heard through the grapevine that he started up a literary journal and I was both curious and deeply afraid that it would suck, that it would be some sort of basement effort by a sloppy chucklehead with too much money to spend at Kinko's.

Fortunately, my fears were unfounded. It's a beautifully produced journal on 8 1/2" x 11" glossy paper, and the content is high quality. It's heavier on poetry than I like, but most of the poems share a gritty urban sensibility that reminds me a bit of Charles Bukowski. (who wrote the only book of poetry I've ever bought) I even liked most of them.

The story I'm going to praise is "El Camino" by Aaron Michael Morales. It tells of two Latin Kings in Tucson who try to save a baby from a burning car. Let me begin with an excerpt:

"One driver, Cesar Valdez, wouldn't have stopped if someone had offered to pay him because the flesh on his arms and face and chest was still scarred from two summers earlier when his car had overheated in a Circle K parking lot and he had lifted the hood and pulled off his shirt and wrapped it around his hand, then used it to grab the radiator cap and twist, thinking at the last second that maybe he should've let the car cool a bit, having forgotten his father's warning to always test the radiator first because he was rushing to get home to his new girlfriend who liked to greet him at the door dressed in skimpy black lace lingerie and a set of handcuffs dangling from one wrist, which still pleased and baffled him-..."

That's less than half of that sentence. It goes on for a long time, as do many in this short story. If told that, without having an opportunity to read the story, I would assume the writer lacked focus, an editor, and tended to wander aimlessly. Not so. The structure served to draw me in. By screwing with my mental reading rhythym, I began reading faster and faster. In one particularly suspenseful passage late in the story, I wanted to yell at the magazine: "Please, stop fucking with me, just tell me what's going to happen!" Instead, the play by play sequence builds pressure up to exploding point, just like the El Camino itself. I was impressed by this simultaneous tempo build within both the narrative and the style.

The characters and setting add a lot to the story, too. Chuey and Peanut, the Latin Kings, are horny arrogant little gangstas who become heroes because they see the desperate mother's sky blue panties as she bends in to rescue her older children. A gun Peanut carries is used to save a baby instead of shoot a rival. There are several potential cliches, both character traits and props, that are used in unexpected ways, serving to add color and humor to this unique story.

Get a copy of Make. They're only $3 an issue. I don't have any cover art to display above, so I just put up a favorite Chicago picture of mine, since this is a Chicago literary journal. It's well worth your time, folks. Go here: Make: A Chicago Literary Magazine

Break Up

2005-10-20T12:31:00.000-05:00

Failbetter.com
Issue 18 Fall 2005
Art: Horizon Fields V
by Lependorf & Shire

Fiction: Break Up
by Douglas Light

I get a kick out of eavesdropping on confessions, especially ones that allow me a false sense of superiority. When I hear something that lets me think "I'm a better person than that poor shit," I feel good about my life.

I got the same feeling of amused smugness from reading Break Up by Douglas Light. The story is composed of conversation fragments: break up anecdotes punctuated by the hapless narrator apologizing to his current date, wondering how the subject came up, unable to stop himself from recalling one tale of misery after another.

Light manages to be funny in unconventional ways. He uses the device of having a breakup occur on a ferry, and another atop the Empire State Building, both resulting in the former couple getting stuck together for many long, awkward, painful minutes after the breakup.

The narrator is never clearly defined. Hs recountings show him to be aloof and sometimes casually cruel. He is emotionally distant, readier to paint each woman with quirky details than to express any feeling about one of them.

Douglas Light uses those details to bring definition to each anecdote. He brought each woman to my mind with clarity. I recognized them, despite never meeting women quite like them. Light is excellent with economy of words, a skill I admire.

An excerpt:

The Staten Island Ferry is the worst place to break up. Jodi was the worst, with her large white parka, rabbit fur stoles, and the habit of sucking her teeth before she spoke. I can’t say what I saw in her.

No matter what, wait until you’ve docked. There’s nothing worse then being trapped out on the waters, with the engine churning through the wetness below. There’s nowhere to go, no way of escaping.

When her tantrum grew violent, the ferry’s crewmen had to be called.

I learned my lesson. I don’t date women from Staten Island. I don’t date women who end their names with an "i."

This brief story concludes with a dark one-liner. Go read it, and be sure to check out the rest of Failbetter's fare. I enjoyed their other selections too, particularly Somebody's Drunk Wife by Susan Buttenweiser.

Little Sorrel

2005-10-07T08:56:00.000-05:00

by R.T. Smith
Zoetrope All-Story
Fall 2005 - Vol. 9 No. 3

Little Sorrel is a comedic little tale of an academic type, Joshua Paxton, who becomes obsessed with Civil War history. After joining a tribe of battle re-enactors, he studies Stonewall Jackson and decides to imitate him. He grows the appropriate facial hair and mimics Jackson's mannerisms while quietly awaiting an invitation to portray the General himself.

A sample:

Along with my evening libation, I was eating cush and hardtack, or to be honest, instant oatmeal and plain crackers; I do what I can to coincide with Secesh pratice, but the lice and weevils some gung-ho Rebel actors adopt is farther out than I can swim. Anyway, they were having a camp dance out by the bonfire, and I could hear the music-banjos and fiddles, a squeezebox, mouth harp, Declan O'Somebody thumping the goatskin of his Irish drum-it seemed too farb for me. All those wives, and a host of sightseers with six-packs and camcorders. I wanted to concentrate and learn the footnote details. I wanted hard core. After all, this was the annual Wilderness Event with six thousand combatants, a colossal costume party and not a mile from where Stonewall fell.

Little Sorrel was Stonewall's horse, and in the modern day the horse's ancient hide is mounted to a pinata of stuffing in a local museum. Paxton begins his tale by confessing over radio airwaves: I stole that horse. The tale that follows is a sermon of increasing absurdity and unapologetic rationalization.

When Paxton reveals that Stonewall's ghost began to whisper to him, things get weird. Alongside this are further oddities that made me smile in recognition: golf carts and Escalades facilitating comfort among mock rebels, facial piercings removed before a costume is donned, the merciless scorn of Paxton's wife for his perverse attraction to historical dress-up games.

Fun stuff, all of it. The calibre of fiction in this magazine is high. I'm not sure whether I'm surprised by that. Most of the stories are heavily workshopped at the All-Story forum, and new writers must jump through hoops before submitting their stories. (If I read their site membership guidelines correctly) That could easily lead to watered down edgeless safety and muted individuality, but it doesn't. The fiction in this magazine is vibrant, diverse, and focused, so the communication and workshopping must be open-minded and light-handed. I recommend this magazine, and I love its exclusive focus on short fiction. I'll be subscribing.

Drunken Divination

2005-09-30T11:30:00.000-05:00

by Brian Cartwright
Unwrite.Com

I've always been a sucker for stories about drunk assholes. I've even written a few myself. Drunken Divination is such a story, this one about a conversation between the narrator and a girl he's sweet on. It begins with the two drinkers spouting out absurb hypotheticals, playing them for humor. I can relate. My attention is seized.

Cartwight's storyteller thinks harshly of himself, and his internal monologue manages to pull off scathing and funny at the same time. Try this out:

"I think Patrick Stewart is sexy. I thought they didn't wear jumpsuits on that one though." She rolled onto her side and looked me in the eyes. The bag of wine lay in the grass abandoned and she was pouring herself a glass of scotch. I had brought the Kalhua out for nothing.

"They did for the first two seasons." Jesus, I sounded like a fucking idiot. My best material was to be a stickler for Patrick Stewart's 17-year-old nut hugging jammies.

As he gets drunker, he lets his frustration get the best of him, and he becomes hostile and cruel. I really like that, because many stories will spend time demonstrating motivation, trying to elicit sympathy for the emotionally tortured narrator before displaying his faulty behavior. Not here. There's some bare minimum background on his secret crush, but no wailing and crying. Thankfully.

Instead, the ugly outbursts are simply laid out. The conversation happens, but it's never softened by mealy-mouthed whining. It's pure raging angst with no apology, and offers no catharsis for the reader or the characters.

The story is biting and mean. I appreciate that. The tone is a far cry from the vague spiritual mumbling and incidental soul searching in the last story I read, Weightlifting For Catholics, in the 2005 Atlantic Fiction Issue.

It's a shame that in-your-face stories like this get so little attention in literary journals. I find that loud bright stories with high levels of kinetic energy are generally ignored in favor of stories revolving around philisophical contemplations, chanted elegies, and pseudo-European sophistication. You can write about the weather in Vienna all day long. Go for it. I'll take the story that makes me cry and bleed. This one does.

It's online. Go read it!

The Southern Review

2005-09-27T19:30:00.000-05:00

Volume 41, Number 3
Summer 2005
Published at Louisiana State University Baton Rouge

The Touchstone
By Jay Rogoff

An excerpt:
“In Balachine’s ultramodern ‘leotard ballets,’ like The Four Temperaments (1946) or Agon (1957), dancers flex their feet at right angles instead of pointing them.”

Holy shit kids, I’m in over my head. To drowning depth, for sure. My only skirmishes with ballet were two: I was pen pals with a ballet girl in Bellevue, WA when I was thirteen, and I borrowed some terms from an online ballet dictionary for a story in which I engaged in an orgy with flying spiders.

Suffice to say I haven’t a clue what I just read. Apparently this Balanchine fellow was audaciously radical when it came to ankle flanking. Wait, there’s more:

“Nothing so blatant occurs in Symphony In C, but some events come close: in that second movement, after carrying the ballerina in long lifts across the stage- ‘like the moon going across the sky,’ Balanchine prescribed- the cavalier attends her as she pursues a series of dangerous-looking falls off pointe into his waiting arms, and then supports her on pointe in arabesque.”

Hmmm...So... Let me see if I understand the thesis. Balanchine was a mischievous sheperd, a choreographer of human marionettes, cackling as he subversively interspersed epileptic disjoints among the elegant sweeps of pink clad feet, defying the audience's expectations, thereby upending the accepted conventions of symphonic ballet performance. A real sly bastard.

I admit I read less than half of this piece. Without a Masters in the fine arts (am I supposed to capitalize some of that?) I’m just a country rube with empty eyes trying to quell my nausea as the words in Rogoff's apparently sophisticated essay on fancy prancy dance scramble my poor little brain like a rodent in a wheat thresher.

I wonder if the editor published this piece under a shroud of confusion much like mine, including it as a means of dignifying the volume with a touch of class otherwise absent. Actually, I doubt that. I spoke with him on the telephone when I ordered this, and he seemed like a straight shooter. I shouldn’t project my ignorance upon the editor. Sorry, Bret.

Somewhere lost in this essay are the words “la travestie.” (The italics caught my eye.) I’ll take the English equivalent, travesty, thank you kindly.

The rest of this handsomely packaged literary journal is excellent. (Hell, the piece I reviewed might be half decent, too, I have no way of knowing.)

Billy Solitario’s paintings of the Gulf Coast are wonderful. Many portray nature scenes now swept under by recent weather channel terrorism. Billy gives good cloud. Here's a gallery.

Robin Hemley’s story “Local Time” was a highlight, telling of the downward spiral of a married man trying to sell apples in bulk in the Phillipines. So many whorehouses, so little time. Great, great story.

Elyse Fields’ essay on earning respect as a female park ranger is also worth your time, as is “Good Girl”, the story of a man dealing with his wife’s death, his no-good rapist son, newcomers to town, and the necessity to put down his dog after it bites a young girl. All at once.

There are assloads of poems in here, too. I read some of them, but I can’t seem to decipher the intended rhythm and take in the imagery simultaneously. That goes for all poetry. Set it to music and I gobble it up like candy, print it on a page, and I can’t hang. So I offer no opinion on the poems, just the information that they’re present.

I liked The Southern Review, even when it made me feel dumb. I haven’t decided whether to subscribe yet. (Those decisions will come after I’ve read a lot more journals and have learned my taste.)

Presently In Ruins

2005-09-22T11:30:00.000-05:00

by Gregory Blake Smith
From StoryQuarterly 40, 2004

I like this melanchony story. With an air of nostalgic reflection and dry blackness, it tells the story of a son trying to decide whether to help his diseased elderly father commit suicide. Our narrator’s voice recites the Hemlock Society’s suicide instruction manual with no hint of distaste. I was morbidly fascinated.

I also enjoyed the point of view of the son, particularly his matter of fact pragmatic approach to death. Sometimes I found this funny, though I probably wasn’t supposed to.

The story’s climax left me unsettled. The old father exits with “It’s not my fault. It was all forced on me.” The explanation for these words does not appear to lie within the story, yet the narrator seems to accept them with resignation and no puzzlement. The question hangs.

Despite this fractured conclusion, the story works. It paints its characters well with evocative detail, dropping tidbits about the father's navy days in the Korean War and World War II. In another instance the narrator types names from the past into Google, trying to form a grip on the long gone past. Also, I’m a sucker for stories about quiet fathers who build model train layouts. (That’s my dad.)

Themes and symbolism? I suppose you could see the trains that show up in a flashback scene as symbolic of the inescapable passage of time, especially because the father builds and stares at a railroad layout model of their hometown built to look exactly like the place did in 1926. None of that is obtrusive, fortunately, it’s just present if you look for it. No heavy-handed thematic gesticulating here.

This story is a morbid somber little song. Check it out.

A selection:

“Yes,” the son intoned gently. One of his legs-how strange!- was quivering inside his pant leg. “But there’s a way.” And he detailed the Hemlock Society’s method: Seconal to calm you, plastic bag held on by rubber bands or pantyhose, a painter’s mask to keep the plastic from being sucked into the mouth and nostrils, a baseball cap to keep it off your face. He had practiced saying this, ran through it now like he were back in law school, in moot court, where he’d always had his arguments memorized.

“A painter’s mask,” his father was repeating. His face registered the ingenuity of it. “That might work.”

Opening Salvo

2005-09-21T14:10:00.000-05:00

"Shoot straight you bastards, and don't make a mess of it!"
-Breaker Morant, facing execution in 1902.

"I despise allegory, in all its forms."
-J.R.R. Tolkien

"Avoid bullshit."
-Stephen King

I love stories. I started with the Hardy Boys in elementary school and I've never stopped reading. Fast forward to present, now in my mid-twenties, and I'm still devouring books and magazines. On this page I will review short stories and perhaps the occasional book. I like stories that are written primarily to entertain. Sure, there's room for themes, symbolism, and morals in fiction, but I believe they should be secondary to the narrative.

As an aspiring writer, I'm currently delving into the academic world of literary magazines. I'm traveling the autodidact's route, learning all I can without the benefit of a structured education. As a high school dropout, I never had the privilege of absorbing formal training about the fancier elements of English composition. Therefore I come to a story looking to have fun, not to deconstruct, reconstruct, or otherwise apply my energy to subtexts and riddles.

Many of the stories published in the highbrow literary magazines fail to entertain because they're parables and allegories, the stories mere disguises for a hidden message, puzzles to be deciphered as opposed to enjoyed. I prefer straightforward entertainment. No highbrow here. In fact, if I manage to publish a few more stories of my own, you'll discover that I'm one mean lowbrow son of a bitch.

On this page I'll review short fiction published in literary and genre magazines. My stated goal is this:

I will review each story with one criterion: Did I enjoy reading this?