Opium Online

Opium Magazine
Literary Humor For The Deleriously Captivated
(Cover displayed is from the print version)





Opium magazine is different from any other online journal I've ever encountered. Instead of whipping up an issue every month or season, Opium just slaps up a few pieces each week, mainly whenever something tasty plops into the editor's lap. I like this. It draws me back to the website with far greater frequency than the traditionally scheduled journal.

There's a linkbox on the page that displays the five most recent stories or poems. I took a little while this morning to read the current fiction content.

All three stories share two things in common: weirdness and humor. With a name like Opium, I'm not surprised to see the content tends towards the bizarre. Let's take a look.

Day To Day by David Conway

Of all three I read, I liked this the least. I like juvenile goofyness, but nothing this formulaic. I felt like I was reading a fourteen year old's self-satisfied attempt at study hall wit. Simple formula: Take a celebrity, have him behave out of character, narrate the anecdote like a kid's diary entry, repeat three times. I got the feeling very little effort went into this. So you fed bread to birds with a pro wrestler. Not that funny. Sorry. For instance:

Yesterday was the most important day of my life. I skipped stones at a filthy beach with Sandra Bullock for about 13 or 14 hours until she passed out and then me and this local teenager named Skippy buried her in the sand. I miss her sometimes. Then me and Skippy went to Canada and on the way I asked Skippy how we became friends and he said he had no clue who I was and asked if he could get out of the car.

How To Bury A Cat by Ryan Havely

This is one of those rare second person point of view stories. As the title suggests, it's about feline funerals. Although it gets off a couple good one liners, I found it read like a silly joke that'd be better spoken aloud, rant-style, by a coked up teenager. Still, it's short enough that the deliberate foulness doesn't wear out its welcome. A sample:

You are now ready to bury your cat. Be sure to wear boots with good traction, as there will most likely be a hill you'll need to descend to get to the creek. On your way down the hill, you'll most likely encounter a dead raccoon or squirrel. Don't discriminate, pick this animal up and carry it with you, it will keep the mangled cat you never should have let outside in the first place company as it spends eternity rotting in a creek somewhere being eaten by grubs and baby birds. After picking up the raccoon or squirrel--or armadillo if you're an asshole from Texas--be careful to get a good foothold with every downhill step you take.

Fake Fish by Dave Lott

This flash piece is about a guy interested in a whacked out bohemian girl with fake fish. Like the other two I've capsuled, it relies on humor.

So when she called one Monday and asked if I'd feed her fish while she was away at some arts festival the coming weekend, I took it as a step forward. She knew I knew the fish were fake, she knew I'd seen her feeding them turtle eggs as if the fish were real, and she wanted to find out if I was willing to play along. No problem. I was willing. She would leave the keys under the mat.

Of the three stories I read, this is the best. I love the punchline at the end. I don't want to spoil the nice touches that make each line a pleasure to read, so I'll just implore you to go read it. It'll take three minutes of your time. Your life will be enriched by the experience. Go. Now.

There's no place on the web quite like Opium. I bookmarked it months ago. You should too.